Behind the Smile
by KP-X
Summary: [ AU ] I didn't want to believe that I'd heard them. I didn't want to believe that Jr. had said those words. But he had. And now, before his eyes, I was falling apart. [ Jr. x Momo ]
1. Prologue

﻿ ﻿ **Behind the Smile**

**Author's Note**: -Growl- Okay... I'm typing this for the second time, since my computer somehow found it necessary to crash just as I finished typing the prologue . -Calm breaths... in and out...- Anyway... This is my first Xenosaga fanfiction, but definitely not my last. If you've read any of my previous fanfiction, you'll notice that this is the first that I'm writing in the first person perspective. For that reason, feel free to correct me if I make a mistake, like if I say "she" instead of "I" or "they" instead of "us". Ahem. This fic is for all those Jr./MOMO fans out there -fends off rabid Sakura fans with a stick- I'm also a fan of chaos/Shion... -is pelted with rotten vegetables- ...and I'll be writing a fic dedicated to that couple in the near future P Meh!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Xenosaga or any of its characters... :D but I own both soundtracks, the limited edition strategy guides, action figures, posters... -being dragged away by men in white coats-

Prologue

My name is Momokura Mizrahi- but most people know me as just "Momo." The only people that know my real name are my mother, my sister, and... _him_. Rubedo Yuriev. The boy I've been in love with since I was twelve years old. Through a cruel twist of fate, though, I'm not the one he has eyes for. He's in love with Sakura- my twin sister... the one whose shadow I will live in forever. Don't understand? Good. It's probably better that way... I can just fade out of existance and be forgotten. Then again, if you really want to know my story, I guess it couldn't hurt to set the records straight.

Sakura has always been my better, my superior; at everything. She's even my mother's favorite. Sakura is a bold, outgoing, fun-loving tomboy; and I'm the modest, timid, and self-conscious loner. She has no problem making friends and getting people to like her- she never has. Me... I just kind of watch from the sidelines, like the pitiful wallflower that I am. Don't get me wrong; I love my sister, I just wish I could have a turn in the spotlight, too.

When we were little, everyone knew her name, but nobody knew mine. For that reason, I kept being mistaken for her. Over the years, I got so sick of it that I wanted to make a drastic change- something that would make me look different from Sakura and be my own look- so I went and dyed my hair pink. Nobody calls me Sakura anymore. In fact, no one talks to me at all anymore.

When I was twelve years old, there was a night that I made the mistake of wandering the streets after dark, alone. I'd been wanting to get away from my sister and the constant praise my mother showered her with, so I just left. I ended up cornered in a dark alley by a group of thugs, about to be beaten and quite possibly raped. Before they could lay a finger on me, however, a red-haired boy who looked to be about my age and size became my unlikely rescuer. He fought off the thugs himself, and had the bandits running and screaming something about a "demon boy" in a matter of minutes. Shaking violently and on the verge of tears, I could only take his offered hand and choke out my name when he asked for it. He led me to a small, grassy lot, where he made me sit and calm down while he checked to make sure I wasn't injured.

When I finally regained control of my vocal chords, I asked him why he had saved me. His only answer was to tilt his head innocently to the side with a lopsided smile and ask, "Why not?" I was rendered speechless, but he just laughed and introduced himself. "I'm Rubedo. Rubedo Yuriev. And you are Princess Momokura..?"

"Ah!" I blushed heavily at that, but felt a twinge of delight at the use of my name by someone other than my mother or my sister. "Call me Momo... no one knows my real name except for my family." I failed to mention that no one but my family had ever bothered to inquire of my name, let alone use it. "Momo Mizrahi."

From that point on, Rubedo and I were all but inseperable. He introduced me to his twin brothers, Albedo and Nigredo- who couldn't possibly have been more different from Rubedo, personality-wise. They acted more mature than he did, for one (despite the fact that he was the first born of the three), and I frequently heard him say things like: "Aw, c'mon, you guys are no fun!" which prompted me to give him the nickname "Jr." It seemed to suit him somehow, so it stuck.

Although we'd become the best of friends, I found myself holding back from him. I didn't want to tell him about my sister- I was terrified that he would like her better, and end up abandoning me for her like all the others had. I kept her a secret for more than two years- but on our fifteenth birthday, the inevitable finally happened. Jr. had come over to deliver his birthday gift to me as a surprise, and my heart fell into my stomach as Sakura beat me to the door.

"Hey, Momo. Er... did you change your hair?" I heard him say, and then the moment of realization came as he caught sight of me standing further inside. I didn't wait to see what his reaction would be- I turned and ran to my room as the tears started to fall. I dimly heard him call my name, but then I heard Sakura's voice, most likely making up an excuse for me, or just telling him not to bother following me.

It was at least an hour later that I finally gathered the courage I needed to face him, and grimly trudged down the wooden stairs. My heart sank as I heard their voices, talking and laughing, like I'd feared. "Hey, Momo," Jr. said with a grin, "how come you never introduced me to your sister? She seems like a lot of fun!" And that was that. I'd lost to Sakura- again. Exactly as I had imagined it, Jr. quickly became infatuated with my sister, and little by little, I lost him completely. He barely had time to say 'hi' to me anymore. Albedo and Nigredo could see how I felt, and were kind to me, but my heart was torn to shreds at the sight of my sister with the boy I loved.

He and Sakura are 'official' now; my mother gave her permission to start dating after our sixteenth birthday.

I realize that I'm being selfish; that I've _been_ selfish, and that I should be happy for my sister and my best friend- but I'm beyond trying to fool myself now. I lost, and she won. She _always_ won. All I could do now was sit back and wait for life to decide to throw a curveball my way.

I had no idea that that was exactly what was about to happen.

**Author's Note**: Okay, what'ya think? Good? Bad? Reviewwwwwwwww!


	2. A Rose and it's Thorns

﻿ **Behind the Smile**

**Author's Note**: Okayee, chapter one. As I said before, this is the first story I've ever written in the first person, so feel free to correct me if necessary. And those of you who had requested that the story be more present-time than the prologue- don't worry, the prologue is the prologue XD; it's different. This chapter turned out shorter than I had anticipated / so I might take a little more time writing the next one. I'm going to start typing 'Now and Forever' sometime very soon, as well, so keep an eye out for it. Anywho, enjoy, and review!

**Disclaimer**: Don't make me say it... I won't say it! -Whack!- Owwww... fine. I don't own Xenosaga... -sniff- meanie.

**Chapter One **- A Rose and its Thorns

"Momo! Hey, Momo!"

"Hm?" I looked up from the spot on the white tile floor that I'd been focused on, scanning the crowded school hallway for the one that was calling my name. "Oh, Nigredo!" I cried, smiling brightly and waving enthusiastically over the heads of other students. "Hi!" Common sense told me that I probably looked like a complete idiot right then, but for the moment, I didn't care.

He made his way towards me, breaking through the dense crowd of students a moment later and falling into step beside me as her brushed imaginary dust from his flawless black school uniform and straightened his ebony hair. Their hair was really the only physical feature you could tell the brothers apart by- that and their eye color. Strangely enough, despite the fact that they were triplets, they'd all been born with differently colored hair. Nigredo's hair was black, Rubedo's was red, and Albedo's was white. There were rumors going around that it was the result of some sort of experiment their father had done at the Yuriev Institute, but I knew better than to believe something like that.

(And now, for my own enjoyment, I shall ruin the story for all of you by disrupting your reading!)

"Hellooo?" I started and blushed as Nigredo waved his hand in front of my face.

"Er, sorry," I said, "I was just... thinking."

"Oh?"he teased, giving me a playful grin. "About anyone I know?"

My face heated as I looked down at the floor and tugged at my black uniform skirt self-consciously; wishing for what must have been the millionth time that it was longer. It only fell to about mid-thigh, and the socks could only come up to knee-length at best. It didn't seem to bother any of the other girls, but I was too modest to be comfortable with showing that much skin.

(bllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

"Hm?" I said, glancing up as I heard Nigredo finish saying something to me. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

He gave me a knowing grin. "I asked if those colored contacts are new. They suit you."

"Oh!" I blinked, remembering the new golden contacts that shielded my true eye color. "Yes, they're new. Do you really think they look okay? I thought they might look too... well, unnatural."

He nodded. "They look fine. Like I said, the look suits you. I'm sure Rubedo will like them, too."

At the mention of his name, I looked down and fiddled with the hem of my skirt again. "That is, assuming he notices..." I said quietly.

(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

Nigredo patted my shoulder reassuringly, making me look up in surprise. "Don't worry, my brother will come to his senses eventually. He's really not as dumb as he pretends to be, you know." He smiled at me, and I couldn't help but return it in earnest. "Just don't end up hating him before then, ne?"

I laughed, and Nigredo laughed along with me. It was good to have someone who understood my feelings, even ifhe couldn't do anything about my predicament. I might have believed him, had he not been saying the same thing for four years.

"Nigredo!" a voice called from behind us, sounding rushed and out of breath.

(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

"Speak of the devil," I heard him mutter as we stopped and turned to wait for the red-haired boy to catch up. Nigredo was greeted a moment later with a bouquet of white roses thrust in his face. He blinked a moment before responding. "Why, Rubedo, you shouldn't have," he drawled, voice practically dripping sarcasm. I giggled, and Jr.'s face flamed.

"They're not for you, you idiot, they're for Sakura." Neither of them noticed my face fall at that. "She's in your first period class, right? Tell her they're from me!" He was off running down the hall again before Nigredo had a chance to respond. "Later!"

"O-oi! I'm not your messenger boy, Rubedo! _Oi, Rubedo_!" Nigredo shouted, but Jr. had already disappeared into the crowd of students. "Kuso...," he muttered irately, turning back to me. "I take it back. My brother has got to be the dumbest and most dense person on the face of the earth. Momo, feel free to hate him. In fact, I give you my blessing to do so."

(aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... -finally hit over the head with a baseball bat, and applause sounds.- ow... fine. -mutters-)

Despite my hurt feelings and crestfallen expression, I couldn't help but laugh at Nigredo's words.

"Here," I was pulled from my thoughts and shocked back into reality as Nigredo held the flowers out to me.

"Wha..?" I blinked confusedly. He shrugged in response.

"It's not her birthday, right? And it's not Valentine's Day, or any sort of special occasion, so she doesn't need flowers. Consider it a gift," he smiled warmly.

Dumbfounded, I took the bouquet from him, still staring incredulously. "But... won't Jr. be mad at you?"

Nigredo only shrugged again. "He'll get over it. It's his own fault, anyway. Like I said, I'm not his messenger boy." He grinned, reaching out to ruffle my pink hair, despite my protests. "Better get to class. School will be starting any minute now." He laughed and easily dodged my half-hearted attempt to hit him in retribution, jogging off towards his homeroom. "Ciao!"

I smiled, turning to go to my own homeroom as I straightened my hair, tucking the roses under one arm. I ignored the stares I received as I strode through Miss Uzuki's classroom, heading back towards my seat next to Albedo and another white-haired girl named Kirsch.

Albedo was sort of a loner like me- but the difference was that he was that way because he chose to be. He was what everyone else considered quiet and 'anti-social', but he was kind to me. Perhaps it was out of courtesy or just plain sympathy, but I got the feeling it was genuine. I smiled brightly in greeting as I sat down next to him, and he returned it with a small smile of his own, casting a curious glance towards the flowers under my arm.

"Secret admirer?" he teased, and again I blushed, but shook my head in response.

"Actually, they were a gift from Nigredo."

Now, I could have been mistaken, or maybe I was just imagining things; but for a fraction of a second, I could have sworn I'd seen something akin to jealousy flash over his features- but it was instantly gone. "_Nigredo?_" he said, looking like he was about to burst out laughing. For the moment, I brushed off the idea, passing it off as my eyes playing tricks on me.

I giggled quietly myself. "Well, he was supposed to give them to Sakura as a gift from Jr., but he gave them to me instead."

He couldn't suppress a snicker, which unfortunately caught the teacher's attentioin. "Ms. Mizrahi, Mr. Yuriev, do you have something you'd wish to share with the rest of us?" Shion asked.

"Ah, no, Shion-sensei. Gomen nasai," I answered, and she paused before nodding and returning to her lecture on genetic engineering. I adored Shion Uzuki; she was my role model and favorite teacher. Barely over twenty-five, she'd already been Chief of Vector Industries, First R&D Division, and actually made the decision to resign so she could teach. There were rumors that she'd helped develop some sort of super-weapon for the military- but again, I don't listen to silly rumors.

"So, Momo," one of the boys sitting in front of me turned and drawled. I knew at that instant that he had no intention of being... kind. "Did your sister buy you those flowers out of pity, or did you buy them yourself so you could pretend to have a boyfriend?" He and another boy burst into snickers, annd I sank down into my seat in embarassment, wishing I could disappear. To my utter shock, it was Albedo who came to my rescue.

"Shut up, bakayarou!" he hissed through his teeth, violet eyes blazing with unbridled fury. "Anyone with an I.Q. above that of a **kitchen appliance** could see that she's way out of your league!" I could only sit and stare, shocked that Albedo was defending me so vehemently.

"Oh, and I suppose you think _you're _better than us, too?" one of the boys in front of me growled.

"Damn right," Albedo ground out between clenched teeth.

"You wanna prove that, chicken boy?"

"Anytime, you-"

"Stop!" I interrupted them both, golden eyes brimming with tears. "Please, just stop." Both sides stared at me a moment, then the boys in the desks in front of us turned around, snickering and muttering something about a "crybaby." Albedo clenched his fists and opened his mouth to defend me again, but stopped when I placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Don't, please... I'm not worth it."

He blinked for a moment, speechless, but then surprised me by taking my hand in both of his. "Momo, you _are_ worth much more than you realize- to Nigredo and I, at the very least. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

I couldn't answer for a moment, so I just swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. It was hard to comprehend... for so long, all I had was my family, and Rubedo... I'd never considered the idea that someone else would care about me. It would take a while to get used to... but it was a change I welcomed whole-heartedly.

**Author's Note**: Ummm... correct me if I'm wrong with anything here... I'm pretty sure I didn't get much wrong, but I'm not perfect. Anywho... please take the time to review! Constructive critisism will help me make the story better according to your standards! Oh, and... e.e; I enjoy adding little japanese tidbits here and there... there's a guide below to explain what some of them mean.

Oi - Hey

Sensei - Teacher/instructor

Bakayarou - Japanese equivalent of bastard/asswipe oo;


	3. Sticks and Stones

**Behind the Smile**

**Author's Note**: All right, chapter two, finally. Sorry I took so long in getting this out, I've been really busy with classes… you know, being in my freshman year of college and everything… - Crowd gasps and murmurs about still writing about cartoons and games when she's in college. - ­­­­Blah… I'll write about what I want to! >P So there! By the way, if any of you are .Hack fans (the game, not the anime), check out my new story, **Catch Me When I Fall**. Meep, have fun reading, and don't forget to review!

**Disclaimer**: I own Xenosaga! It's mine mine miiiiiinnne! - Is slapped with a lawsuit. - Aw, dammit…

**Chapter Two** - Sticks and Stones

When the bell rang at the end of Shion-sensei's class, I gathered my books and followed Albedo towards the door, only to be pulled aside by the teacher as I walked past her desk.

"What is it, Shion-sensei?" I asked, praying that she wasn't going to tell me that my science grade had dropped again. Mom had just about murdered me when I brought home a report card with a 'C' on it- if it dropped again, shewould _kill _me…

"Momo-chan, is everything all right?" she asked worriedly, brushing a stray lock of red hair away from her glasses. "I'm not blind to what's going on in the class, but I'm afraid there's not much I can do... or if I tried to do something about it, I'd only make it worse. Is it something you'd like to talk about?"

I shook my head, a pinkish color rising to my cheeks once again. "N-no, I'm all right... I have Albedo with me, after all." The boy waiting in the doorway started as I said his name, his own cheeks reddening slightly.

Shion looked over at him, then smiled and nodded towards me. "All right, then. Be careful, Momo-chan." I nodded and bowed respectfully before hurrying out the door after Albedo.

"I'll walk you home after school."

"Eh?" I blinked, looking over at the white-haired boy, who still retained a faint blush. "Oh, that's very kind of you Albedo, but I know my house is out of your way. Besides, I have archery practice after school. I couldn't ask you to do something like that."

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Who's asking? I can wait. Shion-san's right, you know. You have to be careful with those guys around. They aren't exactly... respectable."

I couldn't help but smile at that. He was so kind to me. If only I'd fallen for him instead of-

'_Hold it right there,_' I stopped myself sternly before I let my thoughts carry that any further. Albedo didn'tdeserve to be compared to his brother; after all, I hated being compared to my sister. Besides, I wasn't going to let myself sink into self-pity. "Well, if you're sure..."

"Of course I'm sure," he grinned. "Well then, see you after school!" and with that, he was off again, disappearing into the crowd with a carefree wave of his hand.

No sooner had the white-haired boy melted into the packed hallway of other students that I felt a tap on my shoulder, and whirled around. There was no one behind me. Immediately, I knew who it was. There was only one person who never failed to play that stupid trick on me, after all...

"Yo," Jr. said, grinning widely as he gave my hair a playful tug. "Still imagining things, Momo? Geez, one day that's gonna get you into trouble," he joked as he feigned an exasperated sigh. "I swear, where would you be without me?"

"A much happier place, I'm sure," I drawled sarcastically, but couldn't resist cracking a smile.

"Well that's not very nice," he mock pouted, crossing his arms and sticking out his lower lip. "A place without me couldn't be much fun, anyway."

"Oh, noooo," I faked a dramatic gasp, continuing to play along with our little game. "Life without Jr. couldn't possibly be worth living... whatever would we do?"

It was ironic and quite pathetic how close to the truth that statement really was.

"Damn right," he nodded to himself, then turned and smiled at me. My heart jumped, and just in time, I remembered to hide the flowers that were supposed to be for my sister behind my back. "So, how are you doing, Momo? Sorry I haven't gotten much of a chance to talk with you lately... you know that jerk Cherenkov is a total Nazi about homework and projects."

I didn't bother correcting the blatant lie, since he was likely to just make up another to replace it. It would make no difference, anyway. "Yeah..." I said softly, looking at the floor. "I know." Perhaps it was because he was just ignoring it, but Jr. didn't seem to notice my change in behavior.

"Love the new contacts," he said, successfully scattering my thoughts. "They look great on you."

"R-really?" I stuttered, a new blush rising to my cheeks. "You think so?"

He gave me his famous lopsided grin, making my heart speed up again. "Trust me, I know so. Who do you think you're talking to?" he said arrogantly.

"The self-proclaimed mighty ruler of everything?" I asked, layering on the sarcasm nice and thick.

"That's ri-...Hey!"

I giggled then, and Jr. scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Guess I was asking for that one."

"Mm-hmm. You'd better watch it Jr., you're losing your edge," I joked. I was dismayed to hear a familiar snickering behind me, and Jr. and I stopped as the guys who had been teasing me before stopped in front of us.

"_Jr.?_ You're letting this little loser make up pet names for you, Rubedo?" one of them sneered. For the third time that day, I was shocked into speechlessness as I witnessed Jr. turn red at the accusation and look at the floor. He'd always fought off bullies before, why was this any different? '_Maybe you're not worth it to him anymore..._' my inner voice said bitterly. '_No, that's not true..._' I fought off tears as I denied the notion with everything I had.

It couldn't be true... Jr. was everything to me. He wouldn't just ditch me like that, let them-

"Um, Momo... do you think you could call me Rubedo, like everyone else?"

I didn't want to believe that I'd heard them. I didn't want to believe that Jr. had said those words. But he had. And now, before his eyes, I was falling apart.

For a moment, all I could do was stand there- mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out. I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the warm wetness of tears soaking into my blouse. By that time, J-... Rubedo had realized his mistake and was staring into my stinging eyes with an expression of panic and faint horror.

It was too late. He'd said the words, and he'd meant them.

I never imagined that that was what he thought of me... that he just roped me into the same category as his groupies... that I was just part of 'everyone else' to him- no one special. It hurt. A lot.

"Momo... I didn't mean-"

"It's okay," I stopped him before he was forced to lie- I knew that he would lie to me, if it would make me feel better... I couldn't decide if it was sweet or upsetting. I smiled at him through my tears. It was a broken smile- one full of hurt, bitterness, and loneliness. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out. I saw him cringe and draw back at the look of pain he'd inflicted on me. "I... I have to go!" I broke away and ran down the hallway.

I didn't care where I was going; I just needed to get away. For once, I didn't care if I missed class, I didn't care if my grades fell- none of that mattered to me anymore.

I'd stood by him when he'd chosen Sakura over me, when he'd started spending less time with me and more with her, when he asked me if I thought she'd like the gifts he'd bought for her... but this... this was the killing blow. "Like everyone else", he'd said... as if our friendship had never existed at all. I was nothing to him.

Dimly, I was aware of Nigredo's surprised face and confused call of my name as I ran past him. I didn't stop. I wanted to be alone... maybe then, no one would be able to hurt me.

Shoving open an exit door, I ran out into the school's courtyard, finally allowing the sobs I had been holding in to break free of my chest, running for the nearest tree. I climbed it as I cried, settling back against the trunk on a high branch hidden by leaves and burying my face in my hands.

It wasn't fair.

I don't know how long I sat there and cried, but the door I had come out of slamming open noisily caught my attention, and I immediately fell silent. Nigredo emerged first, lookingfurious enough to kill someone as he dragged a stumbling Rubedo out by his shirt.

"Ow! Geez Nigredo, what's your problem!" Rubedo complained as his brother shoved him forward, none too gently, and he was sent sprawling onto the ground.

"_My _problem?" Nigredo ground out, angrier than I had ever seen him. Come to think of it... I didn't think I'd _ever_ seen Nigredo angry. He dragged Rubedo up by his shirt again, shoving him up against the trunk of the tree and leaning forward until their noses were almost touching. "You want to know what _my _problem is? I'm sick and tired of standing by and watching while you tear poor Momo's heart to shreds, you selfish bastard!"

I suppressed a gasp. Nigredo was... defending _me_? But why?

Rubedo, for a moment, looked just as surprised as I felt. His expression also bore a look of guilt, although anger was more prominent among the two. "What do _you_ care? Since when has she been so important to you?"

"Since _you _threw her to the _wolves_! What the hell is your problem, Rubedo! Have you noticed that wherever she goes, she's just short of practically getting _raped_! You just _encouraged_ the bastards! Haven't you broken her heart _enough_!"

Rubedo's face was filled with guilt and regret as he looked away, tugging at my heart. I couldn't help it... I still loved him, despite what he'd said.

"Look, I'm not blind to how she feels... but what am I supposed to do? The only way I can think of to ease her pain is to make her hate me."

"Baka," Nigredo spat. "When have you ever known Momo to have the capacity to hate someone?"

Rubedo blinked, opened his mouth, then shut it again. He was right, after all... I didn't think I had it in me to hate someone... especially Rubedo. I never expected to hear it from Nigredo, though... how did he know me so well, and Rubedo so little?

"Rubedo," Nigredo said in a low voice, "if you plan to continue this ridiculous facade, then stay away from Momo. Albedo and I can watch over her just fine."

Rubedo's expression wavered between anger, guilt, and sadness, but switched back to anger. "What's Albedo got to do with this?"

"He's more of a friend to her than _you _are!" Nigredo growled, letting go of his brother, finally, and turned his back, walking back towards the school. Rubedo's expression was almost unreadable, but I recognized hurt when I saw it.

"Do you love her?" he asked suddenly, and my breath caught as Nigredo stopped, but didn't turn around. Love... me? I'd never even considered that... Rubedo's voice was filled with regret, and something else I couldn't identify, looking as if he were dreading the answer.

"...I don't know," Nigredo said at last, unclenching the fists at his sides. "But I do know this, Rubedo... if you hurt her again, brother or not- I _will_ make you regret it." With that said, he strode back into the school. Rubedo stared for a moment, then slumped back against the tree with a bitter laugh.

"So it's finally settled," he said, barely audible from my hiding spot. "So... why do I feel so miserable?"

**Author's Note**: Wai! I love Jr./Momo cuteness. Sorry it took so long to get this out x.x; I'll try to have the next one done sooner.


	4. Secrets

**Behind the Smile**

**Author's Note**: Okay, chapter three I'm on a roll now. If you haven't read it already, please check out my other Xenosaga fanfiction, 'Now and Forever'. I am going to update it very soon, and it could use some input from the readers. Ahem, anywho, I tried to make this chapter somewhat long to make up for the time I made you wait for it, so please don't hate me :D Plzkaythanx! Enjoy the exciting new chapter of 'Behind the Smile'! -Gets whacked by a baseball bat.- Owww...

**Disclaimer**: Woo. Don't own it. Yay for not owning things.

Chapter Three - **Secrets**

It was a long time before either of us moved again, and Rubedo just stared off into space, thinking to himself (or at least I assumed he was). I wondered what was going through his mind then... did he regret what happened, or was it a heavy burden lifted from his shoulders? Maybe he was happy that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore... after all, it meant that he could spend more time with Sakura, right? Still... he seemed too depressed for that to be the case.

It wasn't until the lunch bell rang, signaling that the school day was half over, that Jr. finally picked himself up and started to head inside (**A/N**: men and food...). I carefully climbed down from my hiding place, pulling a couple leaves from my pink hair and combing my fingers through to straighten it. The first place I headed to was the bathroom to wash my tear-stained face, then I set off wandering the halls, looking for my discarded textbooks and bouquet. I hadn't even noticed I'd dropped them until I was in the tree. A sad sigh escaped my throat at the realization that the flowers had most likely been crushed or thrown away by now.

"There you are, Momo!" a light voice called from behind me, but before I could fully turn around, I was caught in a tight embrace.

"A-Albedo?" I stuttered in confusion, intending to return the gesture- but my arms were trapped between us, and Albedo didn't seem to be inclined to let go at the moment.

"Nigredo told me what happened... are you okay?" he asked softly, as if he was sure I would fall apart if pushed too far. I rested my forehead against his shoulder, letting myself relax and lean into him for support. I didn't deserve his tenderness or kindness... but it felt good to know that _someone_, even if it wasn't Rubedo, cared about my well-being.

The reality of what had happened hit me then, with such force that if Albedo hadn't been holding me about the waist like he was, I was sure my knees would have buckled and collapsed under me. I felt hot tears sting my eyes again as I closed my eyes, letting the first of them fall. Albedo must have noticed, because his arms tightened fractionally in response.

"No," I answered finally in an unsteady voice. "I'm not... but in time I will be... if you're there to help."

I could only feel him nod in response.

------------------------------------------------------------

It was a long time before the process started, but I had believed that my heart had begun to heal after a while. Rubedo, however- from what Sakura had told me- had been somewhat depressed lately, since that day in the school's courtyard. I never saw him anymore; he avoided me constantly. I didn't know what to make of it- whether it was good or bad.

My belief, however, proved to be nothing but wishful thinking. In the time that I was separated from Rubedo, I had started to feel better- but every time I saw him again, it came crashing down upon me once more. It was then that I realized that any sort of process to healing would take years to start, and I was only at the beginning. They do say, "First love is the strongest," right? I loathed whoever said that... despite the fact that it was well-known to be the truth.

"Momo?" Sakura's soft voice said just outside my door. I was sprawled out on my bed, trying to read a book- one of the many options I had tried to help me forget about my situation enough to relax for a while.

"Hmm?" I answered, setting my book down on my lap after marking the page.

The door opened, and Sakura poked her head in- looking no less than perfect, as usual. She smiled at me, and I was compelled to smile back. I couldn't hate Sakura any more than I could hate Rubedo, or anyone else, for that matter. She really hadn't done anything wrong, after all.

"Mom and I are going shopping, do you want to come with?"

I paused for a moment, shifting uncomfortably as I tried to think up a believable excuse that she wouldn't question me about. "Thanks, but no... I've got too much homework to do for tomorrow."

Sakura frowned. "Momo, it's a Friday."

Oh, right. I'd never been the best liar in the world, I'll be the first to admit that. "Ah, well, I'm a little tired, so..."

Sakura didn't buy it. Not that I had exactly expected her to... she _was _a smart girl. Her idealistic perfection required that she be a model student, after all.

"Momo... are you okay?" she asked worriedly, slipping into my room and shutting the door softly behind her. "You've been acting a bit... strange."

'_How perceptive of you. Nevermind that I've been this way for over a year, since you took Rubedo away from me..._' the darker part of me commented sarcastically. I resisted the urge to slap my hand over my mouth at that thought, even though I hadn't said anything out loud. '_Where did that come from..?_'

"No... no, I'm okay," I said quickly. "I've just been kind of tired lately... you know, studying for midterms and all."

She didn't look convinced.

"Really, I'm okay," I assured her, trying to add a smile for assurance, though it didn't come out as a happy one. "Just some minor sleep deprivation- nothing to get all worried over."

_"Momo," Rubedo said as he pinched my nose and grinned playfully. "You are absolutely the worst liar that I have ever met."_

I blinked, shaking my head to clear my thoughts. He even dominated most of my daydreams... God, I needed to stop thinking about him.

"-and make sure you don't... Momo, are you even listening to me?"

"Na-nani?" I blinked as I tried to focus on my sister again. "I'm sorry Sakura, what were you saying?"

She sighed in a way that I couldn't tell was irritable or worried- it was probably a bit of both. "I said you should get some sleep, and don't forget to feed Gaignun. He was up all night scratching at my door the last time it was your turn to feed him."

"Eh, sorry..." I said sheepishly. The said white and black-spotted cat chose that moment to wake and stretch leisurely in his resting place- currently curled up on the edge of my bed. I allowed a small, but genuine smile cross my face as I reached over to scratch the slightly chubby feline behind the ears. The smile grew wider as a rumbling purr started in his throat, and he pressed his head into my hand affectionately. "I won't forget," I said quietly, looking back towards Sakura. "You and Mom have fun, okay?"

She gave me a short nod and turned to leave, but not without casting a worried glance my way and stopping in the doorway. "Momo... you know you can tell me anything, right? I'm your sister; I'll still love you, no matter what."

That put a lump in my throat. Swallowing hard against it, I forced a smile and nodded. "I know, Sakura. Thanks."

I felt like the scum of the earth for lying to her, but what else could I do? Telling her that I was in love with her boyfriend was out of the question... it would ruin our relationship, and probably put something irrevokable between her and Rubedo. I couldn't do that... not to someone I loved. Hell, I probably couldn't even do it to someone I hated, if I had it in me to hate anyone.

Shooting me one last sidelong glance, she left the room, closing the door quietly behind her. I let out a breath that I hadn't known I was holding, laying back against my pillows and setting my book aside. Gaignun, as if sensing something was wrong, meowed and pawed at my leg. I smiled and scratched him behind the ears again, reluctantly pushing myself up from my resting place and stretching my free arm over my head. "You love me, don't you, Gai?"

The answer came in the form of a loud purr. I giggled and leaned over to place a kiss atop his fuzzy head, then got up to stretch my legs. "This ought to be a good time to practice, at least..."

------------------------------------------------

Sitting down on the hard wooden bench, I lifted the heavy cover from the piano's keys, setting my worn notebook on the music stand.

I loved to play, to make music and to sing... but for some reason, I was too shy to do it while anyone else was around. It seemed too... personal for me to do it publically. I don't even think my mom or Sakura knew about it. The only person I'd ever told was Rubedo, but even then I never played for him. My songs... they held too much of me, and it was too scary to share with anyone else. I'd always imagined I'd play for Rubedo one day... but that was before he'd broken my heart.

Flipping to a slightly newer-looking page, I stopped to admire my handiwork before setting it back on the stand. I had only started to write this song recently, but I was proud of it. My heartbreak with Rubedo seemed to inspire the creative part of me, make me want to make art and music. Most of it was bittersweet, reminding me of just how far apart the two of us were.

Sitting back and inhaling deeply, I placed my fingers on the keys and timidly began to play. It always started out quiet at first, until I became accustomed to playing again in an empty room. The more I played, the more confident I would become, and the more beautiful the music would sound.

_"I remember the days of summer, we were so close together..."_

I was so wrapped up in my music that I hadn't noticed the flaming red-haired boy that had appeared outside the window next to the piano, nor the deep cerulean eyes that looked at me in shock as he listened to me play and sing.

_"Every moment was sacred and mystic,_

_we were hoping the night was eternal..._

_the days are gone and so far away,_

_I'm still singing your sweet song... all alone..."_

A tear slipped down my face then, unbeknownst to me, but the boy standing at the window saw it, and something that I never would have recognized then warmed his azure gaze.

_"Life can never be perfect without you,_

_but I'm still on my way to the future..._

_for I remember your sweet song... in my mind..."_

His breathing had quickened, his gaze soft, and his heart pounding. He panicked when he heard the music start to fade, bolting from the window before I could see him. As the tune faded into silence again, I wiped away the tear with my sleeve, sniffling a bit as I closed my notebook.

'_That was... for you, Rubedo._'

He already knew.

**Author's Note**: That was kind of a hard one to write, since Momo doesn't notice Rubedo at the window, and the story is in her point of view. Gak. I hope it turned out okay. Anywho, for those of you losers who have the Xenosaga soundtrack (yes, myself included), that song was a mixture of track 5 and 8. Just imagine Momo was playing track 5 and singing along to it...


	5. Grant Me a Miracle

**Behind the Smile**

**Author's Note**: Yay for chapter four. I'm sorry I took so long at getting this out, but I've been having a lot of trouble handling my homework along with all my stories. I've been having a bit of writer's block lately, but with working on four different stories at once, who wouldn't? Check them out if you can- if you're a fan of one of the anime series or games that I've written about, you might have fun reading. Anywho, just sit back, relax, and enjoy chapter four!

**Disclaimer**: Let's just say that if I _did_ own Xenosaga, a lot of things would be different. MOMO and Jr.'s relationship, namely. More fluff. More cuteness. WHY THE $ ISN'T THERE ANY &#$ING CUTENESS?

Chapter Four – **Grant Me a Miracle**

I hadn't spoken to Rubedo for over a month now, but I was getting increasingly worried about him. Despite the kind attempts from Nigredo and Albedo to take my mind off of Rubedo, I couldn't help but notice that he wasn't his usual self lately. He seemed really depressed... moreso than Sakura had described to me; he was quiet, withdrawn, and didn't even so much as look at me in the hallways anymore. That last part still stung a bit, although I was much more concerned about him than my own feelings. Had I done something more to upset him..? The only theory I had that made sense would be that he was upset about what happened in the courtyard a month ago, but that couldn't be right... did I really mean something to him after all? If I did, why hadn't he just told me?

Sakura wasn't spending as much time with him as usual, either. Whenever I asked her about it, she always said that Rubedo was keeping to himself, and was impossible to talk to at the moment.

Regardless of my concern for Rubedo's well being, however, I was starting to believe that I was making progress. With his brothers' attention, it was easier to tolerate the hurt and sadness of losing him.

On the slightly brighter side, it was much easier to concentrate on my schoolwork now, without him on my mind all the time. Albedo and Nigredo both made sure I didn't get picked on, either. Things were seemingly going better than they had before... but there was still a hole in my heart that was meant for my best friend... for the boy I loved. I had difficulty believing that that hole would ever be filled without Rubedo, but time heals all wounds, as many people have said in the past... so I would wait for it to close.

"Ms. Mizrahi," the teacher said, her stoic, monotonous voice cutting through my depressing reverie. "Can you give us the answer to question five?"

I immediately sat up straight in my chair, face flushing pink as I stuttered for an answer. I hated being caught daydreaming... I hated being the center of attention of most of the class, for that matter. Embarassed, I glanced over at Nigredo, who... was wearing a yellow post-it note on the back of his sleeve? I blinked as I read its contents, startled at what it said. 'X 42.'

"Um... X equals forty-two?" I inquired timidly.

Ms. Godwin blinked, her slack features showing a bit of surprise as she nodded her ascent. "Very good, Ms. Mizrahi. It appears you _have _been paying attention." She turned her back to write on the blackboard, her oddly-colored purple hair gleaming in the sunlight that streamed in through the open window.

I glanced over at Nigredo with a grateful look, and he just grinned and winked at me, crumpling up the small note and tossing it into the garbage. It was small things like that that he and Albedo had been gracing me with for the past few weeks. I had to admit, even though it was new to me, I loved the attention.

I was beginning to catch small hints from them that suggested some possible romantic interest... I wasn't completely dense, after all. It frightened me a bit, honestly. I was still having difficulty letting go of Rubedo, and didn't think I was ready to give my heart to someone else. To my overwhelming relief, though, they seemed to understand completely, and be okay with it. Well... Nigredo did, at least. He assured me that he would explain it to Albedo and make sure that he understood as well.

My only fear was that the two of them would think they had to compete with one another... I would hate to be the cause of a sibling rivalry. I didn't mention it to either of them for fear of sounding conceited, although for the moment, it seemed to be grossly unfounded. The two were focused mainly on making me feel better, and I hadn't seen them have a single argument since... well, come to think of it, I don't think I'd ever seen them argue. Discluding petty little things that siblings always quarreled over, of course. I suppressed a snicker at a memory of them yelling at each other over their mixed-up gym clothes. Nigredo was complaining that Albedo's smelled awful, and Albedo was annoyed that Nigredo's was ironed and pressed, and was therefore itchy and uncomfortable.

Apparently, hygiene ranked somewhat differently on their priority lists.

Besides that, my breakdowns over Rubedo seemed to be getting fewer and more far between, with both of them there to lean on when I needed it. They were both so sweet about it, too...

_"Momo..." Albedo murmured softly, his hand rising to gently cradle my cheek in his palm. My tears continued to flow, streaming over his hand as I wept. "Please don't cry... I can't stand seeing you cry."_

_I made an effort to hold in my tears, but it only resulted in a hysterical hiccup followed by more sobs. "I'm... I'm sorry... i-it's just that I... I can't-"_

_I was quieted instantly when Albedo's arms wrapped around me and pulled me into a warm embrace, much like the one we'd shared in the school's hallway on that awful day. "Shhhh..." he whispered, rocking me gently back and forth. I gripped his shirt with trembling hands as I fought to gain control over my emotions, swallowing thickly. I felt one of his hands rub my back gently as the other rose to run through my hair, and I sniffled pathetically. His embrace felt warm and good... and within a few moments I was quiet again, leaning against his chest and wiping away the last of my tears. He continued to hold me, though- not that I minded- still rocking me gently in his arms._

_"That asshole," Albedo suddenly hissed angrily, his grip on me tightening until it almost hurt. "If there were some way for me to make him pay for what he's done to you, hurt him like he's hurt you..."_

_"No," I breathed, suddenly a bit frightened at Albedo's burst of anger, but determined to calm him down in whatever small way I could. "I wouldn't want you to. I can't be mad at him for not loving me, and I don't think you can, either. It's just the way things are."_

_Albedo paused for a moment, then sighed heavily, and his tight hold on me loosened. "Momo," he whispered softly, resting his chin on my head. "Sometimes I think you're too kind for your own good..."_

_I smiled despite myself, closing my eyes and leaning into him once more. "Maybe I am..."_

After that encounter with Albedo, I found it hard to look directly at him, but he didn't seem to mind it at all. If anything, he teased me about it, pointing out whenever I was blushing and calling it 'cute.'

Nigredo wasn't quite as open with his feelings as Albedo was, but I could tell he cared about me, and that was enough.

_"Momo," Nigredo said quietly._

_"Hai?" I answered with a fake smile, pushing aside my own thoughts to focus on the black-haired boy. "What is it?"_

_When he turned to look at me, I almost gasped at the depth of sorrow I could see in his sea-green eyes. "You don't have to pretend to be happy for us, you know. Keeping it locked up inside can only hurt you. It's not healthy."_

_I went rigid at the statement, staring down at my lunch in poorly concealed shock. He could see right through me. It shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did- I knew Nigredo was an intelligent boy- but I hadn't expected him to recognize my facade as quickly as he did. I opened my mouth to speak, but he silenced me just as quickly with a finger over my lips. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks, but I didn't say anything, waiting for whatever he was planning to say._

_"I know you think you have to be strong for us, Momo, but you don't," he said softly. "We're your friends. We're here to help you."_

_"Nigredo..." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again, and choked back a sob. "Thank you..."_

_He only offered a sad smile and wiped a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb. "Anytime, Momo."_

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I was laughing at something Albedo had said while the two of us walked towards the archery range, me with my bow and quiver of arrows in tow and he with both of our backpacks slung over his shoulder. He'd stuck faithfully by his promise to walk me home after school every day, despite the fact that he had to wait two long, boring hours through my archery class before he could do so. Nigredo joined us some of the time as well, but he had kendo practice after school every other day.

Albedo took a seat on the stands as I joined my fellow archers by the target range, tugging uncomfortably at the traditional black hakama that was part of the required uniform. As I lifted my bow and took the familiar steps to position myself for the first shot, a heated blush stained my cheeks when I felt Albedo's eyes on me. Even though I was beginning to get used to the feeling, it was still a little embarassing to know he was watching me. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the target and my arrow, willing them to meet at the point where I was aiming.

_Thwap._

Slightly to the right of the bulls-eye.

I could see Albedo smiling towards me out of the corner of my eye, and again my cheeks heated. Neither Mom or Sakura had ever taken an interest in my extra-curricular activities, so I'd never had an audience that I knew before. It was a pleasant feeling... knowing that he was watching and silently cheering me on. I'd never really considered asking Jr. to come to one of my tournaments, since they were so long and tedious. I'd asked Albedo why he bothered, but he'd only said that he enjoyed watching me, and didn't think it was boring at all. It was really sweet...

Shaking off the thought, I closed my eyes and pulled back my next arrow, focusing on visualizing the target in my mind once again.

_Thwap._

It was slightly to the left of the bulls-eye this time.

I blew my bangs away from my face in frustration, pulling out my last arrow and drawing my eyebrows together in concentration. I let my eyes wander the field to take everything in so I wouldn't be distracted by any new presences, but as I caught sight of a flash of red, my breath caught in my throat and my hold on the arrow loosened.

_Thud._

My arrow missed the target completely.

Rubedo? What was he doing here? He was standing by the wooden fence that kept visitors out of the way of stray arrows and looking directly at me. I forgot to breathe for a moment, frozen in place from the position of loosing my third arrow.

I didn't realize until now how much I'd missed looking into his deep cerulean eyes, getting lost in the depth of their emotion... and something from the way he was staring at me told me that he was thinking the exact same thing about me.

His gaze was wistful, full of... longing? For _me? _That couldn't be right. He was in love with Sakura- he probably just saw a bit of her in me. That must've been it. Despite the rationalization, my heart still sped up in my chest, and my feet stayed rooted to their spots.

Maybe he just missed having me as a friend... I _had _heard Nigredo's warning to him to stay away from me if he only thought of me as such, but at that point I'd already come to the conclusion that he no longer cared for me like he used to. Perhaps I was wrong in thinking that. Either way, he cared about Sakura more, and I couldn't keep deluding myself into believing that he would one day love me as much as I'd loved him.

Regardless, I had decided to get over him and move on, so regretfully I tore my gaze away from his and breathed in deeply. Instead of relief like I'd expected, my heart wrenched in my chest, begging me to look back into those ocean blue pools, but I adamantly refused. I was going to get past this, no matter how long it took me.

I could sense Albedo trying to withhold his anger, glaring over at his brother with malice and the promise of pain in the near future. I turned and waved to catch his attention, then sent a gentle smile his way. Immediately he relaxed, relieved to see that I was not troubled by Rubedo's appearance, and offered a small grin of his own.

"Momo-chan?" a soft feminine voice asked behind me, the speaker tapping my shoulder lightly. I whirled around, embarassed to be caught staring when I was in the middle of the target range.

"H-hai?" I recognized the girl immediately- it was Kirsch, the silver-haired girl I'd had a few brief encounters with before. She was very kind, from what I could gather, but also very timid and quiet, even moreso than myself.

Kirsch gave me a rare and uncharacteristic smile of amusement and humor, glancing over at Albedo and then back to me. "Something on your mind lately, Momo-chan? You've been standing in front of that target for a good ten minutes already."

There were few things in the world I would have wanted more right then than to sink into the ground in embarassment and disappear. I bowed quickly to the other girl, blushing as I stammered for an apology. "A-ano... gomen nasai, Kirsch-san. I got a little... um... side-tracked."

To my surprise, the girl just laughed, waving it off carelessly with a toss of her hand. "So I see. Don't worry about it, I was just curious. Besides, you seem to have another admirer over there," she nodded towards the fence, where Rubedo was still leaning against it and staring over at me... but he seemed to be staring off into space, as if deep in thought. Still, it was unnerving to feel his eyes on me.

"Oh, him? No, Rubedo likes my sister," I tried to act nonchalant about the way I said it, but there was still a pretty obvious hint of sorrow in my voice.

"Really? Hm... well, could've fooled me. Still, I'd be glad to have even one good-looking admirer," she nodded towards Albedo and winked at me with a playful grin. This was a side of Kirsch that I'd never seen before, and I immediately decided that I liked it. An answering grin tugged at the corners of my mouth, and the two of us giggled hysterically for a moment.

"Momo, Kirsch, are the two of you going to stand there and gossip all day or practice like the rest of us?"

My face reddened, and I vaguely noticed that Kirsch's did as well. "H-hai! Gomen ne, senpai," I answered, and the two of us turned back to the range- although we couldn't stop giggling when we glanced at each other.

I glanced back at Albedo before turning back to focus my attention on practice again, but did a double-take when I saw his expression. There was something odd there... he almost looked angry, but for the most part his face was unreadable. I gave him a questioning glance, but he only smiled and waved back at me. I hesitated, but returned the smile and turned back to work. Perhaps he was just thinking about Rubedo or something of the sort.

"Momo-chan, are you actually going to shoot that arrow, or spend all day aiming?" Kirsch giggled again.

I had to admit, it felt good to have friends again.


End file.
